A few beats of silence passed before he said those three small words that used to mean so much. “I love you.” Before my mind could consult with my heart, my lips parted with an automatic reply. “I love you.” It was an exchange of a phrase that no longer carried any weight. To me, the words “I love you” had been a promise. A commitment that he had broken long ago.
It had been 36 days since we had seen each other, much less spoken. Not that I have been tallying the numbers like an addict who counts the amount of time that has passed since their last fix. However, my love for Quinn could very well be compared to a drug. No matter the terrible things he had done to me, nor the amount of times he toyed with my heart by storming out my front door to only return weeks later, I could not give him up. I did not have enough strength to fully let go.
This was probably tied to my disorder. One of the nine symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is, as Mayo Clinic defines, “An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection.”
When Quinn truly left for the last time it was time to come face to face with my fear of abandonment. But that is what I needed to happen. It was essential for him to leave for good and to never look back. I was desperate for him to cut all contact so I could mourn the loss of all that accompanied the end of our relationship. And within a blink of an eye, he finally did. A quick conversation about moving to Ohio had been our last.
Now it was time to mourn. And I did. I wept for the loss of a relationship that had meant so much to me for various reasons. It was not just the death of a future as husband and wife never coming to fruition that pains me. No, my grief is spread across many categories.
To me, the words “I love you” had been a promise.
For starters, the warmth from his family, who accepted me as their own is gone, leaving me to feel cold as my own family has never loved me in such a way that I felt I belonged. My humble goodbye to the two women who always had opened their arms to me, was reduced to a pathetic letter sent in the mail. As my pain is so great, I would not be able to make it through their front door without dissolving into tears. So that was to be my farewell. I feel as though I have abandoned his sister who also suffers from BPD. The guilt I grapple with for deserting her is just one of the many terrors I must deal with on my own.
Nightmares surrounding my past sexual assaults had plagued me for years but had dissolved pretty rapidly when Quinn began sleeping beside me. They had almost been completely eradicated once he moved in. Now that I am alone again, I still find myself gripping for his body when I wake up panicked. It’s pathetic, but it happens often that I have to remind myself of reality. Quinn is gone and those nightmares have replaced his side of the bed.
When this happens, I feel as though it is a set back because I must be reminded of all that no longer exists once he erratically walked out of my life. Such as, the vows that we had made to one another are no longer powerful promises, but lies. Our matching gold bands molded into roman numerals, spelling out our anniversary date have been tucked away in a box of other memories I do not have the courage to touch. I hope one day that will change.
Quinn is gone and those nightmares have replaced his side of the bed
Even though I have hidden that box, my apartment is still haunted by the ghost of him. There is no where I can look in my home that is not attached to one of our memories. The kitchen where Quinn would make spaghetti for the third time that week. A couch where we made love countless times. The shower that he would do sales pitches for me that would end with my arms wrapped around his neck and his lips on mine as our wet naked bodies would stay pressed together.
Lastly, I mourn the idea of trust, it is no longer something shared between two people, it is just an idea.
I had opened up my home to him, and together, we made it ours. It was nothing to be proud of. Just a 600 square foot shoe box. One bedroom, one bathroom, and a corner of the apartment I encouraged him to take as he needed somewhere to play video games until 3am. It was supposed to be a home that in twenty years we would look back on and laugh at those humble beginnings. We will not ever share that laughter, nor will we be able to look back fondly on twenty years of partnership, as all we have are those humble beginnings that went no where. And what do I have to show for it? A broken heart and scars created by my inability to cope and a razor blade used that night he disappeared.
Before Quinn had, in my mind, abandoned me, I only aligned with six out of nine symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Typically, a person only needs to check off five to be diagnosed, but I had kept that seventh one at bay for sometime. The symptom that includes self-harm.
My apartment is still haunted by the ghost of him
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me explains when someone suffering from BPD are governed by compulsion, they may represent a need to feel or need to self inflict pain
At that moment, it was more than a need.
My personal addiction that I had been proud to be sober of for sometime, had been more than tempting. For an undefined period of time after he walked out of my door for the last time, I sat with my back propped up against the front door, sobbing into my knees pulled against my chest. There was nothing I wanted more than to distract my emotional pain with that of physical. Finally, the anguish had been too much for me. I could not fight both my inner demons and my addiction to a blade. In the end, I caved into that seventh symptom.
As someone who lives with BPD, I can tell you the current pain pulsing through my veins is unbearable. It leaves you in this child like vulnerability. Not only do I feel with such depth that only other borderlines could possibly understand, but the only way to calm myself the night he left was to slip back into such a nasty habit of self harm to calm myself. The emotions suffocating me had pulled me back into my teenage years when I did not know what coping skills were, nor had either of my parents been interested in this God awful agony controlling me from day in and day out.
Before I learned to control my disorder I was promiscuous, soothed myself with liquor, sometimes drugs, binged food to then purge it all up, and constantly self-mutilated. This is not uncommon for someone with BPD. This is just another symptom, defined by Mayo Clinic as “Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse.”
The work to better myself and control my disorder was not simply hard but a complete rewrite of how I lived my life before treatment. I overcame those vices that hindered more than helped in the long run. I had been so proud of myself for those strides I had made.
I had learned to cope with tools from therapy and lean on friends as to not fall back onto those habits. I learned that the independence forced on my as a child was actually a good thing. I spent more than 8 years being single for a reason. There had been no one worth the love I had to offer…then came Quinn. It was as if, he had been the person I had been waiting to compliment my life. Not complete, but compliment. After all the hard work I had done to love myself, control my personality disorder, and be ready for a partner, the right person had walked into my life…or so I had believed.
And what do I have to show for it? A broken heart and scars created by my inability to cope and a razor blade used that night he disappeared.
Since Quinn had cut ties, I had been managing the pain in the best way I could. Each day, feeling a little more okay, but that was until I heard his voice for the first time since he left for Ohio. The sound I had missed so much had reopened old wounds. I did not physically harm myself, although I could not help but crave that addiction for days after our phone call ended, but I was now being forced to confront the one thing I had been somewhat been avoiding.
It had suddenly stifled the air surrounding me. Loneliness. What a bitch. And she no longer was avoidable.
Lonely. An adjective I did not often associate with for many years before Quinn came into my life. But now, I cannot escape it.
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me states, “To escape the loneliness, the borderline will flee to single bars, the arms of recent pickups, somewhere-anywhere-to meet someone who might save her from the torment of her own thoughts.” (pg. 15)
Loneliness. What a bitch.
The thought of being with another man makes my skin crawl. A knot builds up in my stomach. Tears begin to well my eyes. So, if I cannot rely on a man to distract me, booze to numb me, or self harm to help me cope. What is a girl with borderline personality disorder suffering from a broken heart to do?
For others who have BPD, or anyone who is suffering from a broken heart as I am, here is what I have come up with. Cry when you need to. Even if you need to cry yourself to sleep. Those impulses to retreat to your old vices is the moments you rely on the many friends you have. Pick up the phone and call someone to come over or ask if it is okay to crash on their couch. There is even the option to just text them about anything and everything until you have calmed yourself. Stay away from the bars and dating apps. A one night stand will not replace the memories you are running from. Trying to replace your ex with a shiny new toy as an avoidance tactic does not serve you well. Plus no one wants to be on the opposing end of a rebound situation. Stay far away from the one ex you know would come crawling back with a mere phone call. Just because you are in pain is not an excuse to string anyone else along, no matter if he deserves it.
Lastly, when those tears begin to well up in your eyes and you feel the tension build in your throat, take a deep breath and say out loud, “This too shall pass.”