Some of us are Early Birds and the rest of us normal people are Night Owls. It takes me a minimum of 6 alarms to haul my ass out of bed, which my roommate has her own opinions on.
That story is another future entry, my darlings.
Once I concede to my alarms and remove my sleep mask (if you haven’t tried one I INSIST you do. Their AMAZING!) I then try and adjust to my conscious state, giving myself a 15-20 window before it is truly necessary to begin my day. Like any true millennial the first productive activity I do in the morning is to check my phone to see if anyone sent me a message via text or Snapchat. After replying to those I then scroll to my Snapchat subscriptions. There are only two I am interested in: People Magazine and Cosmopolitan.
During today’s morning ritual I was greeted with a gift from the heavens when opening up Cosmopolitan’s Snapchat subscription.
Low and behold an article titled, “10 Things Only Type A People Get About Dating” smacks in me in the face.
No joke, it literally smacked me in the face because I am even more of a klutz than normal when half asleep and I dropped my phone onto my face. Anyhow, I felt as if the author of the article, Carina Hsieh had stumbled upon my blog over the weekend and felt the need to defend all neurotic ‘Type A’ personalities out there that are simply “misunderstood.”
No, ‘Type A’ personalities who feel personally attacked because of your behavior and rude comments that should be kept to yourself but are blurted out during the most inappropriate times does not mean you have fallen victim to the world’s cruel behavior. It means you have two options here. Either learn to keep your unnecessary comments to yourself or the more logical solution knowing option one isn’t truly valid, go with option number two, pop a Xanax and take the stick out of your ass.
Although half this blog is just one massive rant session about my roommate, I never thought I would be doing a “React” entry to anything other than her outrageous comments, but I cannot help myself on this one. This article just further proves that I am not making the shit she says up. There are others like her. Who I presume have their own blogs being written about them by their roommates.
We should start a club! It would probably be a healthy outlet. Like an emotional support group.
As I read this tragically truthful article at 5am, which is far too early to be disappointed in humanity, all I could do was shake my head and think, oh my God, certain lines from this article have been said out loud in my presence by my fucking ‘type A’ personality, sexually frustrated & super extra about life, roommate.
If you had not had the pleasure of reading this Cosmopolitan article published to their Snapchat account on January 2, 2018, then get excited!
**If it does not become apparent, the bolded sections will be my thoughts on the subject matter, which will not at all be disrespectful nor extremely vulgar
“10 Things Only Type A People Get About Dating”
Written By: Carina Hsieh
- “YOU NEED SOLID, SET-IN-STONE PLANS.”
“None of this, ‘let’s wait around literally all day and possibly touch base maybe’ bullsh*t. You already know what you’re doing six weeks from now at 5:13pm, so anyone else needs try to nail an exact date down here.”.
No one deserves to be the girl called last minute or should ever have to be someone’s “second choice”, or the one they keep on the back burner if no better offer comes along. Don’t ever let someone treat you as anything less than the great person you are. Unless you suck, then that’s just karma.
Solution to that problem: BE A NICER, LESS UPTIGHT, JUDGEMENTAL HUMAN BEING
If a guy you are dating treats you in a way that is truly disrespectful (like real life disrespectful, not Type A’s definition of disrespectful) then dump his sorry ass and date someone who will dedicate a rational alotted time to you. If he cannot commit to plans at the very least a couple days beforehand, and cannot at the bare minimum confirm the morning of said scheduled plans then why are you wasting your time?
Frankly, if you’re waiting around “literally all day” to “possibly touch base” (as mentioned above) for someone you need to reexamine your (not to sound too harsh) pathetic priorities. Especially if you are planning out your life in chunks of a six week span and/or in 15 minute increments. Then you really don’t have time for that nonsense.
Yeah, let’s get to the “you already know what you’re doing six weeks from now at 5:13pm.”
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?
Other than a vacation, plans to visit someone who lives more than a 45-minute drive, or work deadlines, what the fuck are you planning six weeks in advance? If for some idiotic reason I called a guy I was dating tonight and asked him out for Saturday, February 17 because I booked us a stay-cation at a resort and his response was, “Sorry babe, my bff Steve and I already made plans that night to binge watch Stranger Things together.” I would pause involuntarily baffled by such nonsense he would then force himself to continue saying, “You know I’ve been busy working for 40 hours a week, going to the gym, and I now have decided to take an interest in going to car shows with Steve who lives 10 blocks from me, but I thought it best we physically write out our plans for February 17th in my day planner.”
I would be forced to go straight over to his place and smack him right upside the head.
- “YOU FEEL ANTSY TO LABEL STUFF RIGHT AWAY.”
“No, its not you being a clingy mess, you just genuinely enjoy labeling everything. You have a box in your apartment labeled “CORDS ETC.” and mind you, it’s a clear box. So of course you’re going to want to categorize whatever nebulous relationship you have going on.”
Oh no, Carina, it is not you being a “clingy mess”. The type of men who are uncomfortable with you getting antsy to label them your “boyfriend” after one awkward first date and a second date he asked you out on out of sheer pity and/or terror, are just silly boys. It’s not at all that “labeling” them doesn’t make them feel rushed or that you’re being possessive, its just the sole fact that they are intimidated by independent women, who have our “sh*t” together. These males would also be the ones you would label (because we all know how much you love your labels!) “emotionally unavailable” and “commitment-phobes” when in reality they just can’t handle someone who is so in control of their life.
Don’t worry though, those men secretly love that you feel the need to label clear plastic containers.
The ones who don’t like your quick labeling of your relationship is the same type of silly man who would not understand that you aren’t actually a “clingy mess”, instead, they would use their own labels such as “neurotic” and “Stage Five Clinger.”
Certainly NOT, a clingy mess. That would just be insulting.
- “NETFLIX AND CHILL IS…NOT SO CHILL.”
“If you wind up spending all day doing nothing, you feel hella guilty. In theory, a day spent in bed, indulgently catching up on Netflix seems relaxing. But you know you’ll be carrying the guilt of that wasted day around at LEAST a week.”
Maybe, just maybe if you didn’t need to spend hours making labels to put on your clear plastic box filled with cable cords froom the TV you haven’t used since 2002 and all that other pointless, neurotic, unnecessary tasks you put in your day planner last June then you wouldn’t feel so guilty about binge-watching Once Upon A Time.
Carina, let me update you on today’s lingo because it’s 2018 and not 2007. No one says “hella” anymore and do I really need to point out the improper context for “Netflix and Chill”?
I thought this was clarified back in 2016 when America Ferrera said she wanted to “Netflix and Chill” with Hilary Clinton.
- “HAVING TO FIGHT EVERY URGE IN YOUR BODY TO CHECK YOUR PHONE ON A DATE.”
“You’re not bored you just need to know what time it is/if your boss has emailed you back and that thing/if your group text has settled on where you’re all grabbing brunch on Saturday.”
If you made this poor boy schedule taking you out to Olive Garden three months in advance give him the damn courtesy of waiting to veto Stacy’s favorite bottomless mimosa spot until he goes to the bathroom.
- “YOU DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERSATION.”
“How early is ‘too early’ to talk about exes. You just want to cut to the chase and don’t see the point in dilly dallying around.”
How about you don’t talk about your ex-boyfriends ever.
Maybe wait until the fourth date to mention that you want to be married in the next two years or that you’re dead set on having 3 kids (2 boys and 1 girl in that order).
Actually, what you should do as a fun conversation starter to kick off the first time you meet your future husband from Match.com for that Wednesday afternoon coffee date is show him all the wedding themes you already pinned on your Pinterest boards (because obviously there are multiple depending if he is a blonde or brunette). This will show him that not only do you have excellent tastes in cakes and men’s tuxedos but he no longer has to worry about silly things like planning the rest of his life.
You were ever so thoughtful to do that for him! He will be especially thankful when he comes over to your place for a nightcap on the second date to see you’ve desginated one of your dresser drawers for him, and his name is on the label.
Girl, you are so thoughtful!
- “YOUR DEFAULT IS TO DATE MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT A TIME UNTIL OTHERWISE AGREED UPON.”
“You multitask with everything so it only feels natural not to put all your eggs in one basket. Now was it the guy from Tuesday who told you that great story about working at Jamba Juice in high school? Who knows.”
Carina, this is what most people would refer to as “casual dating.”
- “THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SPONTANEOUS SLEEPOVER.”
“You know whether or not you’re spending the night before you head out for the night, let’s be real. Sure, you might play coy and even go through the motions of calling an Uber, but you’ve got an extra toothbrush and contact solution in your bag just in case.”
Heaven forbid you do something spontaneous like go home with a guy on the first night! How dare you not schedule a One Night Stand six months ago.
Nevermind, let’s be real. You don’t have One Night Stands.
I am beginning to understand why Roomie is so sexually frustrated, it is hard to plan out a night of good, fun sex months in advance unless it is the fun vacation sex which I will agree needs to be planned out at least six weeks in advance.
Have to put in that PTO early!
- “YOUR STANDARDS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.”
“Maybe everyone else is chill with dating a dude who still sleeps on an air mattress three years into the same lease, but you don’t have to be. It’s not to say you’re judgmental, you just expect to date someone with their sh*t as together as you do.”
And I quote, “It’s not to say you’re judgmental.” Hold on, I just need a moment!
**bursts into uncontrollable laughter, falls off bed, onto floor where I am now dying of laughter**
Just need another minute to gather my thoughts!
**gasping for air**
I can’t breathe!
**pulls myself off floor and back onto bed to continue typing**
Whoo! Cosmo, you got jokes!
**Begins typing but must pause to wipe away tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks**
Let’s continue shall we? Back to my comments on #9.
Who the hell is this “everyone else” you are referring to that is dating dudes who sleep on an air mattress?
Carina, I dare you to name at least 3 women who you personally know, none of this friend of a friend bullshit, that have previously or are currently dating a grown ass man that sleeps on an air mattress on a regular basis, let alone for the past 3 years?
Also, let me clarify when I say “man.” I would hope you would be indicating an adult who is at least in his mid-20’s and is no longer living with his frat brothers or parents and does not carry around a chain wallet, because that is the type of person I imagine who has been sleeping uncomfortably on a worn down, deflating air mattress for the last 3 years.
There really is nothing else left to say for #9 since I already did an entire entry dedicated to my thoughts on the standards of a ‘Type A’ personality.
See the entry “The List” for more details!
- “NOTHING GETS YOU GOING LIKE A WELL-THOUGHT OUT DATE PLAN.”
“If a guy has the foresight to have a plan in place, you’re SOLD.”
I beg to differ.
If your date Joey planned to pick you up in his beat up 1999 Honda Accord then headed to the closest Taco Bell drive-thru followed by going back to his place to “Netflix and Chill” on the infamous 3-year-old air mattress every man sleeps on… you’d be pissed.
What I think you meant to say Carina, is every guy should plan his date accordingly. The courtship would begin by Prince Phillip sending his carrier pigeon to your open bedroom window one spring afternoon, carrying a formal invitation for your first date which also happens to be his family’s annual Christmas ball. He would of course show up at your front door with the horse-drawn carriage standing idly behind him and a dozen red roses in hand. He would then immediately compliment the gorgeous gown you’re wearing. The ensemble that looks remarkably like one of the wedding dresses on your Pinterst board, that he also had pre-tailored to fit your measurements perfectly and sent to your doorstep in a box tied in a bow with a gold ribbon, six weeks earlier, because he knows how much you love marking time in six week increments. He would then escort you to the ball, introduce you to his parents, discuss how many children you want to have, and that he already has the plaza booked for your June wedding.
Yes, indeed Carina if a guy has the foresight to have that plan in place most women would be sold.
- YOU HAVE REALLY GOOD SEX.
“You’re invested in your partner’s orgasm just as thoroughly as you’re invested in your own. None of that ‘I didn’t, but it’s okay’ bullsh*t for you, thanks. You’ll find a way to get you both there no matter how long it takes.”
My blog is called “Crazy Comments From My Roommate Who Is A ‘Type A’ Personality, Sexually Frustrated & Super Extra About Life” for a reason, and it isn’t because she is sexually satisfied by this “really good sex” she is having.
***As always, if there are any literary agents out there, or you are someone who likes what he/she is reading and knows of an agent or an editor please help make an author who has been writing novels since she was 10-years-old’s dream come true!***